My New Identity Kit

I still haven't gotten a new computer so I'm spending today in the library, once again. I'm not in a rush this time though, and I have 193 minutes left of access on the lib computer. That should be plenty. I identified strongly with Mrs. Flewelling's blog/prompt as I too am an introvert. I pretty much always prefer to sit back and let others do the talking in a large group setting, and I definitely still get a bit nervous in social situations. I used to be fine with this in high school, but college is a whole different world and recently I've been trying my best to step out of my comfort zone.

High school was a much more simple time. I had my set group of friends, and all I really cared about was food, video games, and getting decent grades. That's pretty much been my entire life up until college. I wasn't really concerned with who I talked to at school that day, what clothes I had on, or what party was happening that weekend. I was concerned with getting home before either of my parents so I could play Call of Duty and shoot virtual soldiers online with my friends (the rule was that I couldn't have any "screentime" during the week days as an incentive for me to do well in school). Once I heard the garage door opening, I would rush to turn off the TV and the Xbox, grab a snack, and head upstairs to do whatever homework I had. Once I completed the productive part of the night I would watch YouTube videos and text friends for the rest of the night. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Once I arrived at SDSU and got a feel for the how the social scene operates, I felt out of place. I wanted to have fun and meet new people, but this was hard for me. The introvert in me kept telling me to lay low and keep to myself, but the more social, practical part of me told me that I would be happier putting on a different persona and experimenting with actually talking to new people. It was time to mushfake it until I make it. I would try to pump myself up mentally everyday before leaving my dorm room, and make a conscious effort to be friendly and talkative. This worked in the sense that I made a decent amount of friends, and I am currently far more competent socially than I was in high school. However, I still don't really think I've "made it". I have not fully eased into that more outgoing side of myself, and recently I have been thinking about the fine line between being somebody I'm not, and actively practicing becoming more confident in social situations. I understand that I am introverted and somewhat shy, and I also understand that there's nothing wrong with that. But I know that I would be a happier, more fulfilled person if I worked toward building more meaningful relationships. I guess I've been struggling with this for a while now, but I only really became conscious of it as of late. I think this is something I will eventually figure out, but until then, I will continue to mushfake.

The great thing about the struggle I'm having with my new identity kit is that I have complete control over the outcome. As long as I continue to surround myself with people I like and utilize my support system (my family, mostly) I can find the actual identity that I'm looking for.

Another example of a time where I had to create a different identity was when I coached 8th grade girls volleyball. I had never coached in my entire life, nor had I been in a position of power that involves telling other people what to do. It took a while to get used to, and even though I didn't really want to assert myself and create the presence that a coach might have, I worked toward establishing myself as Coach Spoden, rather than the modest figure the girls would have seen me as if I had been a person they randomly encountered. It was tough, but I slowly grew into the role and it ended up being a very rewarding experience.

I wrote this blog about twice as fast as I wrote the last one. Damn. It's probably because I've been thinking about all of this a lot recently so its fresh in my mind. But it feels good to get it all out and clear my mind before I start on other homework. And hopefully meet with one of my friends who knows a lot about computers to discuss what kind of laptop I should get. Idk though I'm getting kind of used to these library computers.